A Fortunate Cookie

Last night my teriyaki included two fortune cookies -- one told me that I would inherit money (I prefer not to think about that), the other that someone will give me a gift of food, for my health.

Awesome!

I'm expecting my gifty food any day now. Just for the record.

Busied myself today with various wedding-oriented tasks like going to the gym, getting my nails done, taking Luke's hat to the sewing place, organizing my program template -- that sort of thing. I capped the day with a trip up to Seatac to chat with Aimee and check out Nordstrom Rack.

Coping requires that I stay busy. I find working out helps leaps and bounds with this.

Walking outside also makes me feel better ... unfortunately someone forgot to tell the weather that it's June, not February, so it's raining. And cold. And I don't like walking around in the cold rain ... go figure.

Oh, oh now I'm thinking about it again and the missing him is coming back.

I think I'll go to bed before I feel too much again.

How to Cope, Part II

It started a little weak -- I walked into the church service and felt so completely lost and alone. Seeing people I recognized from meeting once but no one interested in saying "hi" to me, I retreated into the bathroom to hide for the last few minutes before church.

Yes, I'm a coward. But I just didn't want to deal with it today.

When I emerged folks were there that I knew, so I said "hi" to them and found a seat ... alone.

It's hard doing things without him that I've always done with him ... It's hard to get used to doing them alone again. I know that sounds lame and weak. But it's the truth.

The end of this story is good, though. By the end of the service, it was somehow better. I was all of the sudden OK with it.

And this afternoon I ran around with Abigail doing intensely girlie things, then represented the Bushatz family (well, almost Bushatz family) at a membership class at our church.

And then I came home .. ate ice cream, watched Friends, put stuff away ...

(I miss Luke).

How to Cope, Part I

It's not like I didn't cry today -- I did, but not a lot. When I woke up and found myself starting to tear, I went back to sleep. I cried at my mother, but I feel that's allowed -- and a tear or two keeps cropping up now and then, but I tell them to go away.

Today was a lesson in how to cope. Sleep, exercise, a movie with Abigail, running errands with friends combined to make a full day without much time to let the feelings overwhelm me.

(I did spend a LOT of money, though. OK not that much, and I did get a ton of stuff that I actually needed to get, but still).

The first week of him being gone is always the hardest. It takes me about that long to fall into a Lukeless pattern, to adjust my instinctual expectations for how the day will go, what will happen, when I'll see him, what'll he'll say, how I'll feel, what I'll cook, how I'll spend my evening, what I'll eat, how I'll look, and so on. After that I fall into something of a pattern -- back to the Amyness, if you will, of falling mostly asleep on the couch in the evening, and eating my normal dinner. It's hard. It's emotional, even though I don't understand why. But I manage.

But he's always had a phone, before. He's always called every day or so, so the intense loneliness I feel here without him in the place that is still becoming my home is somewhat alleviated. This time, is different.

I remember he's gone and I can't take talk to him sporadically-- while I was thinking about church tomorrow or buying groceries tonight (an intensely Lukeless collection of yogurt drinks, fat-free milk, non-fat ice cream, fruit, eggs and salsa. No pork. No Lucky Charms). And then it's hard.

Next week it will be better, I think.

I wonder why it's so hard. I mean, I'm a big girl who has survived many years quite successfully without a boy to keep me company all of the time. Why am I such a mess now? Why does this hurt so much, and how can I make it stop? How am I supposed to survive more than a year of this at a time if I can't even handle him being gone for two measly weeks? Will it get easier? Will I somehow care less?

Perhaps this time is special (I certainly wasn't quite this upset last time around) because of all the emotion piled up regarding the wedding ... perhaps this is a fluke.

I hope so. Because now I'm crying again... I think I'm going to turn off this Army Wives show, too, because it's making me even more sad.

Sob Point

It's like a wall -- the point where there are just too many emotionally trying things at one time that I can't not cry about all of them, even if I'm perfectly rested.

Today was Sob Day.

(You are going to have to read the post to get to the funny part. Sorry, kids).

It'd be nice if I could be a strong almost-Army wife who understands, accepts -- heck, even embraces, the sacrifice. Sure, it'd be nice ... but I don't feel like that's going to happen at this exact moment.

The wedding is stressing me out, or rather, people involved in the wedding are stressing me out. I start crying almost everytime I think about how rotten, unloved and unwanted the whole situation makes me feel. So I shouldn't take it personally? It feels personal.

Luke being gone and completely unable to mitigate my emotionally driven conclusions just adds fuel to the weepy fire. I can't talk to him or regain sanity for two whole weeks. There's not even a hope that I'll be able to talk to him, which is extra special hard. Two weeks! What if I die? What if I decide I can't handle it anymore? What if I decide that I really DO want to be a nun instead of getting married? Who will convince me not to do those things!?

So tonight Luke and I went to dinner (I cried on the way over), and then I dropped him off on post (I cried sitting in the car, while getting gas after leaving him and while driving home). Then I sat in the car in front of the apartment and cried some more about all the stupidness ... and then I decided that it was time to come into the apartment and watch What Not To Wear (which I planned to do while crying periodically over tea) when I realized ...

That Luke had the apartment key and I was locked out. Completely locked out from the one thing that I expected to bring me solace -- Stacy, Clinton and More Crying.

My mind raced through the options: leasing office? Closed. Go back on post to get the key? No can do without a military ID. Call Luke and have him meet me off post? No cell phone. Call Abigail and sob uncontrollably into the phone until she comes and rescues me with a no doubt genius plan and/or amazing sarcastic wit?

There it is.

So I did that, and she came (with wit), and took me to post where the Super Slow Army was still packing their trucks and getting ready to leave, then she followed me through a bunch of Army guys, who appeared unfazed and even unaffected (the nerve!) at the site of two hot (sweats and red eyes not withstanding) girls wandering around to find Luke. He appeared a little befuddled to see me but handed me the key without much comment.

More wit, a short drive home and then I got to come and curl up with my blog, tea, Stacy and Clinton and the crying.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have dried up a little bit and maybe not be such a girl. Ill let you know how that goes.

A Truly GIANT Number

We aren't even going to say the number here. It's TOO big to mention.

But that's what the scale told me this morning .. please note, this giant number was actually higher than it was last time. Have I been exercising a lot since then? Oh, yes. Have I been eating well? Indeed.

Then why? WHY?!?!!?

Boo. I just want to looks thin and awesome at my wedding ...

I'm really tired. It's a little sad how excited I am about sleeping in tomorrow.
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I am the platoon super star once more, I would like to note -- who just made cookies AND brownies for the field?? Amy did, that's right.
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It's raining. Again. I'm not going to lie -- I'm getting a little tired of this. Please note: this does not mean that I HATE the rain ... it just means that I am tired of this current weather pattern. And I'm cold. And I'm annoyed with the mud.

.... And I'm really in the place that I could do well to go to sleep right now. We would totally be at the "Amy. Go to bed" point were it not that we have to go to Bible study soon and I have to be awesome and awake for the duration, maybe even a moderately pleasant person to talk with.

(Oh! Maybe we can take naps in small group!)

Edit:
JUST KIDDING! Another option: not going to small group and sleeping instead. Woo. Sorry to miss group, happy to hang out with Luke for a few more hours before he disappears without a cell phone for two whole weeks.

Army = minus 230 points

I have a laundry list of things to say here today -- so many that I wrote a list on the way back from the gym just to make sure I don't forget.

The Army has just been deducted 1,000 points or more. Basically anything it earned by having an awesome forest for me to walk in and by giving me cheap groceries is gone. Why? Of course I'm planning to tell you (didn't think you'd get away that easy, did you?)

-- Abigail. The Army sucks so much for Abigail right now that I actually spend time crying for her. Not for me, really, but because of everything she is going through.
-- Dana. Her brother in law's deployment (his second in I dont know how long, but it's too soon) has been pushed up a day, messing up a bunch of plans for seeing him.
-- Me. Luke is going to the field for just about two weeks starting Friday. This sucks because we are getting married in three weeks from Saturday, and let's not lie -- it'd be nice for him to be around. But now, to make matters worse ... they are not letting him take his cell phone ... awesome.

So basically -- Army? In the dog house in a major, major way.
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I'm also mad about wedding stuff. Let's just say -- people are incompetent. And I'm going to leave it at that.
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I heard a song this morning on the radio that made me mad. I've been listening to the christian radio music station because it makes me feel good (although the call to get "low, low, low, low" on the other station still has its place). Sometimes, however, it makes me mad. Like when my "morning friends, Scott and Sam" come on at 6 a.m. and say dumb, corny things. Or when they play trashy Christian music that make following Jesus sound like a fad.

This morning's song went something like this .. "I'm into Jesus, yes I believe. I'm into Jesus ... it's changed my life ..." as if following Christ is the same as, say, being into yoga or water aerobics. You know, it changes your life because it makes you more flexible or muscular, but it doesn't really mean anything. Certainly, it does not require sacrifice.

People who cheapen Christ and what it takes -- what I've given away and will give away -- to follow Him? They make me mad.
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I was brooding about all of the above this morning in the locker room at the gym (side note: I've started going to a different gym than before. At the new gym I do not have to deal with old naked Asian ladies -- in fact, I don't think I've run into any naked ladies so far. That's because this gym has no sauna that said old naked Asian ladies like to visit) listening to two women talk about their medical problems.

Apparently, the one woman has had cancer, maybe breast, in the past and is afraid she has it again. They were talking about her tests. The other woman clearly has breast cancer and had a completely flat chest and hair that was just starting to come back in.

What caught me was that they weren't complaining about their problems at all -- they were simply talking about them, like I talk about the awesome chicken I plan to make any given night or my wedding.

"I've got to have my ovaries removed," the one with no chest said.

"Yeah? For sure?" the other one said.

"Yeah, I gotta."

And they moved on in the conversation. No discussion. No crying. She didn't even sound upset about it. They were onto the crazy way the womans short hair was coming in and how it was impossible to comb...

These two women are dealing with something much bigger than I ever have or hopefully ever will deal with. If the sum total of my problems is a fiance with no cell phone access for two weeks, people involved with my wedding who are morons and a dumb song on the radio ... I've got it pretty good.

June,...

I'm getting married this month :-D